Archive for the 'Nobody Probably Thinks This is Funny Except Me' Category

08
Oct
18

how to help

The past few weeks have been quite a ride.

giphy

I mean, I’ve always been a little (🙄) emotional, but sheesh.

CBD drops were helping, until I was told I needed to stop taking them until after the surgery.

One of my dogs ending up with, well, let’s just call it “some gastrointestinal distress” 😬 hasn’t helped.

My lumpectomy is tomorrow.

*Please know that the above cartoon in no way reflects my feelings about my husband. First of all, we don’t even own a La-Z-Boy.

And I am so grateful for all of the messages of love and support I’ve gotten from so many people. The best of which acknowledge the difficulty of the time I’m going through, and/or include specific offers of assistance.

The thing is, while well-intentioned, and appreciated as such, things like “Cancer picked the wrong woman to mess with!” or “You’ve got this! I know (!!!) you’ll be fine!” don’t really speak the truth; a truth we all know. Because cancer is a test you can’t study for, and there are lots of strong women who have lost their noble battles against it.

You want to feel like


but it actually feels more like


I do accept and treasure it all as encouragement. And it might seem odd, but it’s actually more helpful to acknowledge the randomness and lack of control over all of this. As M said to me last night in a text: Cancer isn’t pink, it sucks.


Looking forward to looking back at all this.

02
Oct
18

screenwriting 101

Someone should write a movie scene, where a woman walks into a large room, wearing an extremely awkwardly-proportioned hospital gown (whose neck is 23” in circumference, anyway? And why are all hospital gowns designed for this person?), climbs up on a table, drapes her breasts through two openings in a plastic frame that looks a bit like a lobster trap, sticks her arm out for an IV, and then gets sent back into a large metal barrel upon which 20 dwarves bang with sledge hammers for 40 minutes.

I think this would be a very powerful scene.

They should then follow up with the same woman going to get her genetics testing lab work done and encountering a young woman in her 20s with a fantasmagoric scar on one side of her head and no hair, holding a sign declaring that this is her last radiation treatment, and beaming with joy thereto. 

Perspective anyone?

Another reminder of how grateful I should be. 

[sigh]

13
May
18

My eyes!

uglyshirt 1uglyshirt 2

No, please, just, no.

Also, why?

 

29
Jul
17

everybody has their role

It’s interesting to me how we adopt certain roles with certain people. 

For example, if a woman in her early 50s of a certain age is wearing a bathing suit skirt at the beach, and kind of smacks her thighs, muttering something like “ugh, I hate my old lady legs,” what she wants to hear back is directly connected to to whom she is speaking.

From her best friend: “I know, right? It’s all down hill from here. Pass me another wine cooler.”

From her personal trainer: “Well let’s see what we can do about that.”

From her husband: “Your legs are beautiful. They have carried you through graduate schools and pregnancy and all over the world. You should wear every freckle and dimple and bit of wrinkled skin with pride and joy.”

And the most interesting thing is, THESE ARE MOSTLY NOT INTERCHANGEABLE. 

Just sayin’.

01
Jul
17

oops

EF sale

I guess it is marked down $55,010.

16
May
17

rofl

You won’t see it coming.

Pooh Piglet Trump

26
Apr
17

I think that word doesn’t mean what you think it means

26
Feb
17

In case you haven’t laughed yet today

NSFW

But watch it anyway. It’s hilarious.

19
Nov
16

Just keeping our options open

jobposting

 

17
Nov
16

Didn’t know this was possible.

© 2016 United Parcel Service of America, Inc. UPS, the UPS brandmark, and the color brown are trademarks of United Parcel Service of America, Inc. All rights reserved.

12
Nov
16

Is that ironic?


Except obviously not for the person writing the job postings…

09
Aug
16

Random Thoughts

Yes, I’m still here.

Waiting till I have something to say I guess.

And now just these:

This world is not a meritocracy. It sucks, but it’s true. Discuss.

There might be something to be said about an unforeseen problem brought on by showing your children unconditional love, as in no one feels compelled to clean the house before your return after a long absence. Creating the psychological need to “earn” love might be underrated after all.

One can definitely gauge one’s fed-up-ness with the world, that is, the state of politics and the American citizenry’s unwillingnessifnotinability to actually Face the Truth, by one’s propensity to take “Cook’s Illustrated” to bed rather than the New Yorker.

Alas.

 

 

 

06
Nov
15

More better feminism

Give us a twirl.

Duh.

Clearly you have issues.

 

15
Oct
15

what’s wrong with this picture?

Ann Taylor Loft

Marisa fit — for women who are shaped like women

“Perfect fit if hips are proportionate to your waist.”

Sigh.

atloft%22skinny%22pants

I can’t even look at them. It hurts my eyes.

23
Feb
15

The future is not yet now

On my Facebook newsfeed today

PatriciaArquette

And just below it

VSecAd

Discuss.

10
Feb
15

Wa?

curvy-skinny

 

01
Oct
14

God’s plan

You know how, when something tragic happens, there are always people who tell you, presumably to be Comforting, that “it is all part of God’s plan.”

Second Son sent me this today, thinking I might find it amusing.

I did.

Very, very amusing.

God'sPlan

 

 

25
Aug
14

finally, a diagnosis

After years of suspecting this, I have finally received a name/diagnosis for a persistent problem I’ve been struggling with. Here’s the PSA that explains the condition, and will hopefully share enlightenment and understanding both for those who suffer from it and for those who love (or misunderstand) them.

If you need a pin:

http://www.zazzle.com/bitchy_resting_face_add_your_own_photo_pins-145902481348567592?CMPN=addthis&lang=en&rf=238137764125229812.

07
May
14

Caw caw.

Growing-Crowing

 

Hard to take it seriously when it’s mostly about crows.

04
May
14

reply vs. reply all

A brief tutorial, for those of you living at the bottom of a mineshaft, or too busy re-alphatizing your rolodex to pay attention, for the past 15 years:

Clicking on this button:
replyknown as the “Reply” button, sends an email message in response to a previous message, but sends this message only to the person from whom the original message, well, originates.

Clicking on this, one, in comparison:

replyall

will send your message of response to EVERY SINGLE PERSON TO WHOM THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR DIRECTED THE MESSAGE.

These buttons should be used judiciously; with consideration and forethought.

For example, it is important for the person administering the training session to know whether you have taken it previously. The rest of us don’t actually need to know that you have taken it previously, and despite being, as a whole, reasonably sympathetic people, about this particular issue I think it’s safe to say that we probably don’t care. It’s not personal, it’s just that, well, we don’t care. It doesn’t affect whether we need to take it or not, it doesn’t affect how we feel about you as a person that you have managed to take the course before we did, and we’re not bringing the doughnuts, so we don’t need a headcount.

If not sure, click Reply. While we won’t actually thank you for it, because we won’t actually know, we are all nonetheless grateful.

You know who you are.

Feel free to quote me.

 

 

 

01
Apr
14

The Ideal Woman

from The Luminaries, by Eleanor Catton:

The ideal woman, in his mind, was one devoted to the project of her own enhancement, who was accomplished in the female arts of embroidery, piano-playing, pressing leaves, and the like; who sang sweetly, read quietly, and demurred to all opinion; who was a charming and priceless collectible; who loved, above all things, to be loved.”

Woman_at_piano_Wallpaper_pzdk6

Well at least there’s the piano-playing.

 

14
Mar
14

part of the problem?

Showed up in my search terms today:

alliteracy among adolescents

Is that ironic?

Looking for this maybe? It was my most-viewed post — almost 5000 hits.

Although “alliteracy among adolescents” does have alliteration. Maybe they were being ironical.

????

24
Feb
14

Zen Rock Towers and Olympic Ridiculousness

This is cool.

http://vimeo.com/56445325

I’m going to figure out how to do this, and then do it in my back yard after we rebuild our patio.

If anyone wants to come help that would be awesome.

***

Today I unclogged a drain (ick) and made homemade noodles.

Zen-like in its way I guess.

I miss you guys, but I’m too busy to sustain the time and attention needed to actually write something. I keep having ideas, and starting them, and then getting sidetracked or “called” away (child, dinner, students, practicing, the OLYMPICS) and then by the time I come back to it whatever I was going to write about has lost its lustre, so to speak.

***

Maybe I could do a quick list of this Olympics’ ridiculousnesses:

  • Super Finals? Just regular old finals aren’t good enough anymore?
  • The guy commentating the Biathlon and sounding like he was going to stroke out. It’s cross country skiing. It’s not that exciting.
  • The US losing at hockey. 😦
  • How many “slope styles” and “half pipes” does any one Olympic competition need? (Hint: Fewer than we had in 2014)
  • Putin clapping politely, hugging a figure skater (commentators ask, “what did he say?”), moments later the figure skater thanking his leader and country for all of their efforts in hosting the Olympics (gee, I wonder). Subtle.
  • The NBC commentator (did anyone catch his name? I missed it) before one of the women’s downhill events commenting on their speed, strength, and prowess, all demonstrated while wearing only their “thin little skiing suits and some makeup.” Condescension, anyone? (And did anyone else notice that NONE of them were wearing ANY makeup at all? It’s a wonder they could ski so well while looking so awful.)

Am I missing anything?

I was quite impressed at what great commentators Tara Lapinski and Johnny Weir were. (That’s funny, spellcheck just tried to change Weir to weird. Maybe it saw his outfits.)

17
Jan
14

In my inbox

targetletter

So I know this wasn’t sent by the “criminals” because. . .?

 

02
Dec
13

the best Christmas presents for 2013

thelma:louisetshirt

Sounds great. Merry Christmas to both of us. AAAAaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

Okay, nvm.

cathouse mat

Cathouse: def

Wonder how Tracy feels about this.

chandelier canvas

Weird. Creepy. Ugly. and Stupid. It’s a four-fer!

playpiano

Why wait any longer? Do what you’ve dreamed about for years: learn to play an instrument you love. Each set of 12 DVDs includes 18-22 hours of clear, easyto- follow instruction, tips, tricks, and secrets from expert musicians and teachers. (“Piano” features Scott Houston, Emmy®-winning host of the PBS series “The Piano Guy.”) You’ll start playing immediately, learn to play your favorite songs and different styles, even compose your own music-and save thousands of dollars on lessons.

Feeling. Suddenly. Superfluous.

loveyoumoreblanket

loveyoumorebracelet

Cuz love’s a contest and I win.

So there.

19
Nov
13

Srsly?

The heading of my Craigslist post:

 Antique Dining Table and 4 chairs – $675

My first email inquiry:

Hi,What is Last asking price of this item? ,Hope still available?Let me know

Tempted not to answer, just out of principle. (And not even including consideration of the terrible and random capitalizations and use/lack of proper punctuation.)

06
Nov
13

that should really draw in the crowds

headlinesubmission

 

17
Oct
13

Is that ironic?

completion

03
Oct
13

call me paranoid, just don’t call me late for dinner

Is it just me, or does this sound like a scam?

dressnet

It seems like the people generating these schemes would at least have the sense to hire/find someone who can actually write English.

Sure, I’ll just send money to ping-tai, even though I haven’t ever in my life ordered anything from wholesale-dress.net. What were the steps again? (Isn’t it thoughtful of Ping Tai to point out where exactly the “Send Money” button is?)

As Husband likes to say, I was born at night, but not LAST night.

31
May
13

what’s wrong with this picture?

Photoshop gone bad? Or a cardboard cutout? You decide.

Photoshop gone bad? Or a cardboard cutout? You decide.

 

15
May
13

amazon recommends

amazonrecommends

 

Is that weird? Or is it just me?

(pun intended)

06
May
13

I’m not making this up

From my latest knitting magazine.

woollyballs

 

You can’t convince me that these people didn’t know exactly what they were doing.

 

18
Apr
13

I guess it’s okay, as long as it’s only partially

partiallysubmergedAll I want to do is shake the hand of the person who wrote this caption.

 

18
Apr
13

little help?

Maybe it’s the limitations of my non-mathematical mind (I am “only” a musician, after all), but does the logic of this reveal itself to anyone out there?

examschedule

Husband claims there’s some kind of complementary arrangement, as in, all of the days are covered. I think that the whole thing was created by some kind of a calendar-disabled sadist (a.k.a. administration). But maybe it’s just me.

25
Mar
13

My Letter to Calvin Klein

Dear Calvin-

Can I call you Calvin? It seems that I know you, and you are always smiling in such a kind and generous way, with that flowing mane of white hair. Oh, wait. I think that’s Ralph Lauren. I’m not even sure I know what you look like. Hmmm. Awkward. . .

ralphlauren

Well. You make beautiful clothes. I especially love your casual Tshirts and more dressy items like your jersey knit shells, tanks, and dressy shrugs. (Frankly I haven’t tried on a pair of your jeans since college, because they fit me then, and, well, you know.) Where was I? Oh, yes. The tops — the knits are so soft and drapey, the fit is always just right, the colors so richly hued and seem to hold their color through washing after washing.

But there is one problem, Calvin, dear.

The tags.

The tags in your shirts seem to be made of Kevlar. They are stiff, and scratchy, and seem to be attached to the garment with some kind of industrial-strength steel thread.

Victoria’s Secret has solved this problem; American Rag has solved this problem; for crying out loud, Hanes has solved this problem.

It’s called a stamp. Or, perhaps, you could use a fabric as soft as that of the garment. Or maybe, if the tag means so much to you, you could wear it.

Augh! Something's scratchy!

Augh! Something’s scratchy!

Just a suggestion.

Meanwhile, perhaps you could recommend a salve for this rash I now have on the back of my neck? I’d really appreciate it.

11
Mar
13

what is this man thinking?

tight pants

a) That’s funny — they fit me 16 years ago.

b) I can’t feel my _ _ _ _ _

c) C a n ‘ t .  .   .    .     .      .       b    r     e       a         t          h           e   .      .        .          .         😵

05
Mar
13

this week in advertising

Ugliest. Bathing. Suit. Ever.  Just sayin'.

Ugliest. Bathing. Suit. Ever. Just sayin’.

 

Didn't get it then; don't get it now.

Didn’t get it then; don’t get it now.

This one says it all.

Rofl!

 

 

27
Feb
13

This week on NPR

Heard all kinds of Russians talking about the dangers of “homosexual propaganda.” (Really? “Allowing” gay parents to raise children will result in the children being gay? So where did the “original” gays come from? Some Adam and Adam from 4,000 years ago, and they’re all actually not-even-genetically related, but apparently raised by the ancestrally-the-same-apparently-not-secretly-enough gay parents? It makes so little sense I can’t even seem to write a coherent sentence trying to explain it.)

In a story about Yahoo’s new directive that no one can work from home (I bet this went over like a lead balloon — so much for the 21st century/technological/telecommuting revolution we were all hoping for), Melissa Mayer was described as one of the leaders in “Silicone Valley” (I’m sure this was merely a simple Freudian slip mispronunciation.)

Read about Seth McFarlane being sexist/misogynist/inappropriate as the M.C. of the Oscars.

0 for 3 so far, although the weather prediction was spot on.

 

 

31
Dec
12

Pretension, 2013

20121231-200422.jpg

As opposed to from where every other winery procures its “winegrapes.”

(Autocorrect just tried to change “winegrapes” to “winger apes.” Yet another clue to the word’s ridiculousness.)

Happy New Year!!!

04
Dec
12

the gift for the man who has everything

men'skneeboots

Well, except for a pair of front-laced, hard-sole knee-hi boots.

 

21
Nov
12

why not take advantage of every possible opportunity

to raise our children to think in a “sexist” way.

Today’s opportunity, listed in my neighborhood’s “Community Enrichment Classes” brochure, for youth and their “favorite significant adult.” (INMTU*)

For girls: Sweetheart swirl.

For boys: Competitive Game Fest.

Guess the girls don’t like to play games and is it any wonder men won’t dance.

She looks like she’d like to play.

(Click on the picture to see a sampling of what Bing thinks someone looking for a picture of a “Girl in a Football Uniform” is most likely to be looking for. Wonder if the one has anything to do with the other.)

Sheesh.

*I’m Not Making This Up

15
Nov
12

today’s pinterest

Ok, first, can I just tell you how HONORED I am to be a member of this exclusive club. (gush)

And secondly, so sorry I haven’t had time to visit in a while.

Seriously? Who has the time?

This is kind of “cool.”

Now we’re talkin’.

 

Nobody NEEDS a hammock bed.
This is just the sort of thing that makes me feel more than a little shallow.
I’m going to copy down that recipe for Asian noodles and then I’m leaving. So there.

11
Oct
12

I’ll get right on that

11
Oct
12

Maybe it’s just me

20121011-225335.jpg

20121011-225343.jpg

01
Oct
12

each of these things is just like the other. . .

When perusing these photos of the casts from some of the most popular and well-rated television shows, which of the following becomes clear:

a)  Everybody on television either dresses really well, or wear scrubs

b)  Everybody on television is way prettier than you and has much whiter teeth

c)  Despite demographics claiming there are roughly the same number as women as men in the world, women actually only make up 14-28% of the population

29
Jun
12

More Truth in Labeling

20120629-135903.jpg

I like that they place the important information so prominently.

And that they label prepackaged daiquiri’s as “Daily.”

07
Jun
12

bribery, community college style

“_____________________faculty, attached please find a meeting notice and agenda for Friday, June 22, 2012 at 9:30 a.m. in Room —– of the M—- Building.  The agenda item is a vote for ratification of the 2011 – 2016 faculty contract.  Coffee and donuts will be provided.”

Well that changes everything.

04
Jun
12

heard in the kitchen, a.k.a. so many things. . .

Second Son is putting together the longboard his father and I got him for his 19th birthday because I didn’t realize what an ordeal it would be to assemble it and did not click the “Assemble for $5” button.

I would think this was a mistake, but I actually think this is a good thing for him to learn how to do, and he is progressing nicely.

But there was this one moment, as he looked for a bolt or a nut or whatever he couldn’t find:

“I think I’m missing something.”

So many things I could say to that one. But I didn’t. Happy Birthday!

03
May
12

“red” alert days

Just discovered that I can view my calendar by the year.

I discovered this because I was entering something into my calendar for MAY OF 2013.

I know, right?

Both depressing and impressive (who knew I was that organized?) at the same time!

In a not-actually-unrelated-although-it-might-seem-so-at-first story, remember the terror alerts? Yellow, orange, red. . . Did anyone actually know what they meant? I think W and his cronies just picked the color based on how low their popularity/effectiveness ratings were that day.

(and still, really, no, but thanks for asking)

High (as if!) approval ratings = pick yellow (notice there was never a blue or a green; we must always stay at some level of alert because fear is the new black).

Low approval ratings = pick red. Then, when nothing happens, everyone can be all impressed by all of those mysterious things we must have done to keep them safe and sound and our approval ratings will go up.

ANYway. (Husband thinks my epitaph should read “She never said no to bacon.” I think mine should read “Tangent? What tangent?” Or maybe that’s the same thing.)

This is what 2012 looks like so far:

Three guesses which is my favorite month.

And still no green or blue. One event = yellow, 10 = red. Maybe we need more gradations to accurately reflect the varying degrees of scheduling insanity which constitute my life.

Anyway. Here’s to June 18. The first “white” day since May 5, which was the first “white” day since March 31.

Sheesh.

22
Apr
12

Google+

Ha!

Google+.




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