Even we* are getting it wrong

A friend, who is also a friend of mine on Facebook, struggles with many congenital health issues. She seems strong and fearless, and is clearly smart and funny and basically quite a happy person, despite what many would see as a myriad of “disabilities.”

Today on Facebook she posted a picture of herself in a beautiful dress with the statement “Feminists are ugly? Me thinks misogyny lies….”

The comments are about how pretty her dress is, where did she get it, she’s “rockin’ it,” etc.


Yesterday, Only Daughter came to me with yet another question about her appearance: does her hair look longer? should she get plastic surgery to create a crease in her eyelid? (NO!!!) does she have long legs? I told her, with more than a bit of exasperation in my voice, that I was putting a 6-hour moratorium on any statements, pronouncements, observations, or questions having anything to do with her appearance.


Last week Only Daughter was given a bit of a hard time for not being interested in a young man (?) despite the fact that he’s “so cute!!!!”


Am I the only one who thinks that THESE AREN’T THE THINGS THAT MATTER?!?!?!?!?!?

The other day I stumbled across something along the lines of “It’s not my job to have you find me beautiful.” Or something like that.

And I thought, “[word I can’t say] yes!”

Feminism has nothing, abso@#$inglutely NOTHING to do with how we look.

Whether we are interested in another person romantically, or in terms of friendship, or trust, or respect, should have NOTHING to do with how THEY look.

We, ALL OF US, have to stop this.

Starting now.

*we meaning feminists; even us. Sigh.

2 Responses to “Even we* are getting it wrong”

  1. August 9, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Nice piece. I have a very good friend who delights in pointing out my sexist remarks and behaviours. Not nastily, but “for my own education”. I largely appreciate the comments because I do think that a lot of sexist behaviours are so “natural” to men that they are done totally unconsciously and cause offence when none at all was intended. It’s not so hard to change them once they are understood.
    I fear though that we are creating an equally complex minefield for men. I know of women who expect “gentlemanly behaviour” such as doors being held open for them, or men standing for them on a bus yet still talk of equality in all things. “Some are more equal than others”, it seems.
    I try and make respect the basis of my own decisions. I hold doors open for men just as often as women.

    • August 17, 2014 at 8:46 pm

      Me, too. If I’m going through a door in front of someone, I hold it for them. If someone holds it for me, I thank them. When Husband helps me on with my coat, I thank him. And then I help him on with his.

      Nothing wrong with that.

      That isn’t even really what I mean though — it’s about the focus on appearance rather than substance and how that keeps us in an inferior position sociologically speaking.

      Maybe it’s a result of my age (I am “darn near 50,” after all), but, while I still enjoy wearing nice clothes and like it when my hair looks nice and have found the perfect eye shadow that has some sparkle to it without highlighting my wrinkles, and really don’t want to end up “invisible”; I am also just as likely to go out in pants and a shirt that don’t really match all that well, with my hair in a ponytail and no makeup on at all. It’s just not the thing that matters.

      It’s more about do I (emphasized, capitalized, in bold) matter?

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