06
Jul
11

to the woman on the beach, with the shovel

I’m sorry, I probably should be minding my own business, and just sit over there on my fraying pink bedsheet reading my book and eating my pull-apart licorice, and perhaps you have a good reason for doing what you’re doing, but I’m wondering if you realize that ALL THAT BEACH GRASS YOU’RE DIGGING UP ACTUALLY HAS A PURPOSE!

It’s not like weeding your flower garden, even if it’s true that the dune grass has sprung up there of its own accord and with no help from you. In fact, it’s an important part of the beach ecosystem and should be left alone. If you’d like to know more, read this. Besides, there’s a good 25′ of un-grassed beach for your four vinyl lounge chairs and your little umbrella. The dune grass keeps this beach you seem to love so much, as evidenced by the leather-like quality and maroon hue of your skin, from blowing away.

And yes, I understand that it’s your personal property and you can do whatever you damn well please on it, but when your beach is eroding and your front lawn has fallen into the lake, please do not come to the taxpayer and ask for money to help restore it.

That’s all.

Have a nice day.

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1 Response to “to the woman on the beach, with the shovel”


  1. July 6, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    I forget where you live. In Jersey you can’t dig up the beach grass. There are tons of signs saying leave it alone, that it’s a crime to dig it up, etc. They’re pretty serious about it!

    Anyway, that woman will likely die of skin cancer before she is able to dig it all up, don’t you think, from your description of her appearance. And the beach grass will continue to flourish long after she is grass fertilizer.


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