my own personal “core” club

An invitation to my newly opened “core” club

No “initiation” fees, no membership fee. You’re welcome to bring your gadgets, but please don’t “talk” on them while talking to me. I’ll feed you, make you coffee, share our latest under-$7.99/bottle wine discovery, and even do the dishes afterwards. You can dry, but only if you want to. I might commiserate over facial blemishes, but only if they are actually visible under natural light. If you are taking your family to any exotic country via your own private Gulfstream, I will NOT commiserate about the difficulties of modern travel. Your difficulties are not mine. I just flew coach, had someone’s chair back resting on my forehead all the way over the Atlantic, and was asked please not to use the bathroom in the middle of the plane anymore.

I can’t help but wonder if you or your spouse or your parents or whoever has earned all this money you apparently have, if any of you have actually done anything worthwhile for society. Some kind of contribution — cured cancer, invented a clean alternative energy source, taught first graders how to read. Somehow I doubt it.

I guess I shouldn’t be so hasty to judge. Some of the more exclusive clubs do go to great lengths to make sure you don’t have to stoop so low as to pop your own pimple. They will apparently even run out and buy your favorite beer at the corner store if one of their bartenders is a victim of his own bad judgment and they run out (I wonder what the price differential for that turns out to be; anybody want to guess? And I guess, once you earn a certain amount of money, it’s unreasonable to GO TO THE STORE YOURSELF).

But really, those luxuries are really just your rights once you are earning, on average, $13 million a year. Not really that much more than the rest of us. Last year, for example, I made how much you make in, just a minute, I have to get out my calculator. . . .hmmm, like a day and a half or something. Not really that far at all.

Whatever. We won’t run out for your favorite beer, but in the summer we usually have a few Coronas in the fridge, and a couple kinds we made ourselves in the basement — right now I think there are Viennese lager and a stout, but I might be wrong. There is a cat. She sheds, and is a little evil, but she’s very cuddly, and most people aren’t allergic.

There’s also a snake (in a tank in my daughter’s room), and, well, full disclosure requires that I point out that there are also a couple children. And a fish. But I have two tomato plants that the deer haven’t eaten yet, and the basil looks like it might do something this year, and the light, about 45 minutes before sunset, when it slants through the trees behind the house, is quite lovely.

I might ask if I can try on your Manolo Blahniks, since I really like shoes, and could never spend that much on a pair. Plus I have wide feet, and a bad back, so I probably won’t steal them or anything. But you’re probably privileged, and entitled, and snooty, and I’m generally intolerant of all of those things, so maybe it’s better if you just go to your club and I’ll just stay home.

Never mind. Sorry to bother you.


Oh, and NYTimes, what’s up with the “precious” writing? “. . .honeyed streaks conjured by some magician at Frédéric Fekkai”?  “It was the handbag that told the story, of course, as a handbag often does”? Seriously?  I can’t tell if I’m reading an article, or ad copy. I expect better from you. Please try harder.

2 Responses to “my own personal “core” club”

  1. June 21, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Heh heh. This one I like. A lot. Except the “honeyed streaks”! Girl, don’t you know that some women actually get honeyed streaks at Frederic Fekkai — and they pay a lot of $$ for them! I myself have never achieved such hair nirvana, I can only adore from afar those who do. These women who can pay for handbags that do, indeed, tell the story, must also have the $$ for honeyed streaks. I wonder which story you’re supposed to be listening to? The handbag’s or the hair’s? Because both are seriously telling us something, no doubt. Even if it is, “You’re too poor to achieve all this and I am not.”

  2. 2 guardo
    June 21, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Perhaps the article can be viewed another way. Perhaps the precious writing is not empty-headed fawning, but subtle ridicule. The people who are the subject of the article have bank accounts with many, many millions of dollars more than that of the author, but the author likely has an IQ with many, many more points than those of the article’s subjects. The smart ridiculing the privileged in language that the latter can’t quite see through is a central theme of our recorded history. For all their wealth, the people depicted here live profoundly impoverished lives, spending each hour in blind pursuit of optimal physical comfort. But most have probably never read a real book or had a real idea; those things take effort, and effort amounts to discomfort. I would almost say that these people do not know pain or sorrow. But that would be foolish and shallow: unless one is actually an idiot–and they’re not all idiots, of course–lives this vapid bring pain. We don’t see it, but in the dark, alone, in the middle of the night, some of these people surely see what their lives really are.

    Never mind. I just read a few things about Guy, our intrepid author. You were right: it’s empty-headed fawning.

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